Being single, day one

I haven’t been single since my sophomore year of high school. I’m currently a junior in college.

Eight months, three years, five months, five months; each one a separate relationship.

So when my (now ex) boyfriend called last night and said, “I just can’t do this anymore,” I breathed a sigh of relief, smiled and agreed with him. I had been thinking the same thing.

We started out strong and had a fun summer together, but my return to school really changed things. I noticed how different he and I are and how we don’t have much in common. We tried to build something substantial around a simple, mutual attraction. It didn’t work.

I could tell our relationship had been failing, but I decided to cling onto the hope that things would return to how they were in the beginning. It was effortless then. I was absolutely crazy about him and knew he felt the same way about me. But it slowly deflated. And instead of owning up to this and breaking it off myself, I waited for him to do it.

Why? Because I’m scared of being alone. 

There. I said it.

I’m scared.

“You’re 19, Em,” my mom says, “you’re fine.

I know I am. So why do I feel this intense pressure to meet someone, fall in love, get married and live happily ever after?

One word: Disney. And all the other happy-go-lucky movies I watched as a child.

It’s their fault I grew up and babbled about my eventual wedding and practically have the whole damn thing already planned.

A text from my brother.
A text from my brother.

I need to change some things.

I don’t just want to be alone, I want to be okay with being alone.

I don’t want to see my ex with his girlfriend and feel sorry for myself. I want to continue the laughter I had a few weeks ago when he returned to the dining hall with his and her dishes to put in the dish rack. He thinks he’s being a gentleman, but he’s really just stripping her of her independence. (She can do it herself, ya dummy!)

I don’t want to walk around campus looking for my next beau. I want to focus on me and my work. And if something should happen along the way, cool. It shouldn’t be It’s not a priority.

I don’t want to panic anymore. I want to feel secure in my own skin. I owe that much to myself after being a shapeshifter in these relationships over the past five years.

Jane Eyre said, “I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will.” 

No net currently ensnares me. Watch me fly away.

 

 

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8 thoughts on “Being single, day one

  1. Very Emily Stevesian. I liked the musings, and I think the Disney point and your hinting at the socially forced feeling were good critiques. You had a nice trajectory and flow to the story, too, and I think the overall thoughts were quite relatable for many people. Groovy job and best of luck with your quest. Thanks for the post.

  2. Hi c: I agree with what you said. Besides Disney playing a role in a little girl’s future dreams, it is also the people around us, our culture, parents, friends, tv shows, etc. I go to therapy cause i have the “crazies” c;, and my therapist told me that relationships are never meant to be perfect, because “perfect” is what we have built in our views and what we expect due to what we see from the media, etc. So, what’s really happening is we’ve all been brainwashed to expect perfection, perfect hair, perfect way of dressing, perfect boyfriends, perfect husbands, perfect marriage, perfects families.

    I’d just like to end with I believe that since all families are dysfunctional -they fight, yell, scream, etc.- we should seek sanctuary in the fact that everything else aren’t going to be like the families on tv.

    1. blackbyrd

      You’re right! I expect perfection because I’ve been brainwashed not only by Disney, but by my parents’ early marriage and my grandparents’ before them. But, like my fellow Millenials, I really just need to focus on me right now; something I haven’t done in quite some time.

      I had a Prince Charming at one point and found him too sweet –– can you imagine that? Perfection is boring; I want to be interesting.

      Thanks for reading!!!

  3. Pingback: Because “buoyant” is a cool word | Blackbyrd fly, blackbyrd fly

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